


Not Going to Leave

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, Episode Related, Points of View, Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-27
Updated: 2006-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-27 01:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin doesn't simply walk away after Brian throws him out of the loft at the end of 4.08, but shows Brian that he's not going to leave.





	Not Going to Leave

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Fuck him! Just fuck him! No, make that – fuck _them_. Leave it to Michael to blow it all. I bet Brian didn't throw _him_ out of the loft. All I did was try to make it easier for Brian. Fuck! I knew he wouldn't be up to partying at Babylon, so I wanted to give him an excuse for staying at home. Anything to enable him to keep up his precious façade. Fuck him!  
  
I'm picking up the DVDs, hoping that I didn't break any when throwing them against the door. I really don't know who I'm angry with right now. Or rather, _angriest_! No, wait... That would be Michael. He knew, he fucking knew that I wanted to tell Brian. And it was he who told me to respect Brian's wishes and allow him to go on with his _it's-only-jetlag_ act. Though I'm wondering how he would have explained being sick on a regular basis once the treatment starts. Shit! I wish I could be pissed at him, I really do. But I understand where he's coming from. And what's even worse is that I now know how he must have felt when I came home with that bruise on my back. Or when he found the gun...  
  
I drop down on the floor, my back against the heavy door, and sigh. He never asked any questions after it was all over. He just took me back into his bed, showing me without words how relieved he was that I had put my Pink _Pissers_ days behind me. And I never really thought about what that took out of him. He was so fucking scared – for me. More so when it became obvious that he couldn't get through to me anymore. That whatever he said, I simply didn't listen... Fuck! And things had been so good after the election. So we didn't have anything money-wise, but we had reached a whole new level in our _non-relationship_. One that he revoked only a few moments ago. _I'm your partner. – Not anymore._ Well, we'll see about that, Mr Kinney!  
  
I'm about to reach for my keys when I realise that I first need a plan if I don't intend to be thrown out again. So let's see... Normal logic can't be used here since we're dealing with _Brian Fucking Kinney_. So I have to leaf through my _Kinney Manual_ to understand why he just acted the way he did. Okay. I figured out something he didn't want me to know. Something that obviously scares him shitless. Well, I would be out of my fucking mind with fear as well if I had cancer, and I'm pretty close to it as it is. Fear equals weakness in Brian's book. And Brian hates to be weak. That would be point number one.  
  
What else? Wait a moment... He actually admitted something I'd never thought I'd hear him say. He told me he'd missed me. And he was so fucking eager to drive me out to P.I.F.A. Shit! He wanted to be with me, so badly that he almost begged me to go with him. He _needs_ me! And I don't think that was a conscious thing, either. He just... Yeah, and now he realised it and it pisses him off. Because he doesn't need anyone! Point number two.  
  
And then there's the whole surgery and treatment stuff. I just hope we're only talking about radiation here... Anyway, he already isn't on top of things, but once the treatment begins... I'm starting to think that he would have kicked me out sooner or later because... Oh, fuck you, Brian! It will be tough, and what happened last time we had a rough time? I left him. I think I hurt him more than I knew when walking away with Ethan. And he took me back once I'd gotten over myself. Like it was nothing. Like I hadn't ripped out both our hearts. Because he... Shit! And we all know how Brian ticks. Back then I left him because he wouldn't give me all the romantic bullshit I wanted from him. But now... This is on a different level. And it's all my fault...  
  
When I was with Cody, and I wouldn't listen to Brian trying to reason with me, what sort of message did that... Fuck! I only came back to the loft to be fucked by him. We didn't talk, and when we did, we argued. And just like that, I forced him to re-evaluate our relationship. And what did he come up with? That I was only there for his cock. That's Brian's way of thinking – always think the worst of yourself because it's probably the right way to go. Shit! And now... Now I'll leave him because he can't give me what I want from him – again. And that's so far from the truth that it's laughable. But I don't feel like laughing right now...  
  
I get to my feet again, grab my bag and the DVDs, and unlock the door for the second time tonight. He's on the sofa, a bottle of Beam in his hand, and I've never seen him look more miserable in my entire life. "I thought I told you to get out..." The anger is gone and he sounds resigned, like he's accepted that he's alone once more, that I won't be there to help him...  
  
"When did I ever listen to you? Especially when you told me to leave you alone?" I'm walking towards him, standing right in front of him, but he doesn't look at me. Fuck it, Brian! "Anyway, I don't believe you. If you didn't want me here, you wouldn't have told me you missed me..." His head snaps up, and for a moment his eyes sparkle with anger. Yeah, he never likes it when I realise he did something semi-romantic. But then his gaze drops back to the bottle he's holding. Alright then, here goes nothing. "As I told you just a couple of minutes ago – I love you, and I want to help you. And I don't give a fuck if you're sick or not. I want to be with you! And not only right now. That won't change. I'll still want that tomorrow, next week, next months..."  
  
"You don't know that..." So fucking defeated. "So, just get out of here. Go..." But there's no force behind his words. It's as if that explosion earlier took the fight out of him.  
  
"Because I'm going to walk out on you anyway, right? Cause that's what I do best. Run away when I don't get what I want." Jackpot. He fucking cringes. "I know what I said when I basically told you to take me back – that I know what I can expect from you... And you think I'll run off to greener pastures now that you're not up to giving me that anymore, right? Leave it to you to think that all I wanted from you was to be fucked through the mattress. Well, here's a newsflash for you. It isn't! Think about Stockwell... I stayed when you were broke and didn't know how to pay your debts. I didn't run then, did I?" He gives me a look that is probably meant to tell me that he could at least fuck me still. "I know, the shit with Cody... I should have listened to you. And I did ... in the end. Or do you see me wearing pink shirts anymore? And I know I hurt you..." He opens his mouth to deny it, but I stop him. "Don't! I know I did. You wanted to _help_ , and I didn't let you. And you're entitled to do the same to me now. Like I said before you left for _Ibiza_ , there are no obligations... But please don't do that. You don't have to do this on your own..."  
  
He swallows, and I can almost see the wheels turn inside his head. I'm already fearing that I'll be sitting on the fucking stairs again soon... "Radiation starts tomorrow, and it will be for shit. But if you really want to witness it, be my guest." And then... "However, if you sign on for this, I want my personal nurse at my beck and call 24/7 – with the exception of your classes and your shifts at the diner. So, move your stuff back in here. You're here most of the time anyway." And then he reaches for the DVDs once more, and repeats his earlier question, "So what did you bring?"  
  
  
FIN.


End file.
